Friday Fluff: Beverly Hills Nannies – Hit or Flop?
May the agnostic gods bless ABC Family for alienating half of America on Tuesday night’s Beverly Hills Nannies. I mean come on … Russ Matthews probably has the gayest voice ever. It’s a clear octave higher than Nathan Lane while retaining that same delicious flirty lilt. He’s like gay squared. It’s no good putting him in a classic Italian suit either, you ain’t fooling nobody ABC, clearly the homosexual agenda is on full-steam ahead. Joking aside. Matthews of course, was the perfect host for what turned out to be one of the nastiest reunions of Reality TV. His gentle teasing unleashed a tennis match of personal insults that left few survivors.
Let’s start with Kirstin Lancione, one of the show’s producers and pre-eminent characters. From the get-go Kirstin acted like a know-it-all prima donna however the mask was always threatening to fall. Her fragile beauty was often strained by constant paranoia and power mongering. Her primary nemesis (amongst many others) was Amber Valdez a ballsy chick who just wouldn’t be Kirstin’s biyatch. Their exchanges on Tuesday’s reunion highlighted two very different codes of conduct. But we don’t want to demonize anyone here, this rat pack was always bitchin’ on one another and Amber was no different. In fact one could only feel empathy for such a ravaged ego as Lancione’s especially when she sited cat poop as the cause of her mystery illness. It clearly escaped our Diva that drinking until ahem 1:30am – before a day of responsibility (to a major client) was just plain stoooopid and indicative of the general age pool.
If Beverly Hills Nannies was a sandwich Justin Sylvester and Lucy Treadway would be the lettuce and tomato wedged between whole wheats Scott Cartmill and Amanda Averill. The cheese and turkey being Lancione and Valdez. The pampered moms coming as basket of Belgium fries on the side. I mean think about it, Sylvester and Treadway were loveable if somewhat annoying caricatures. Projected as harmless fluff they were always intended to buffer the more robust performances of Aussie Cartmill and mid-western blonde Averill, a girl with a real figure. But during the seismic exchanges between Valdez and Lancione, peers Sylvester, Treadway, Cartmill and Averill could only sit wide-eyed and virtually mute until the tornado had passed. Brownie points to that secondary gang for sticking up for Valdez though. Who ever thinks Valdez is ‘ugly’ needs to take a good hard look at what passes for beauty these days: heroin skinny botoxed Barbie Dolls. Uch!
Talking of Barbie Dolls, was Ari Bellamar set up? Who in G*d’s name plastered that wig on her head side-ways. I was reminded of a lego figurine it was very distracting. And in a time of economic depression doesn’t Ari realize that her snotty comments only serve to pigeon-hole her? I know she’s not that dumb. But wait . . . maybe it was the editing, a savage tool used to slash a celeb into media purgatory. And they cut that part when Ari said she was sponsoring a Downtown food kitchen.
The prize of the night was delivered up by lush Maggie Thorne in retaliation to what’s her face with the twins (I can’t be arsed to look up her name). Oh sister were you busted! Thorne revealed that what’s her face with the twins was a player, who’s only intention in ragging our Maggie out and boring out another orifice for Lancione, was to secure her place in a second Season. It was a huge Reality TV ‘no-no’ and I am shocked it survived editing. Thorne dragged us kicking and screaming beneath the curtain in Oz revealing that Beverly Hills Nannies is just like any other Reality TV show: a contrived and somewhat sadistic media conceit that exploits human frailties. Which of course is why we loved it.
Do I give the series a thumbs up? Yes, ultimately it ticked all the relevent boxes and secured a solid fan base. Plus the satirical tone of the show and its geographical location guaranteed entertainment. The characters themselves may not have made headlines or littered the gossip magazines with trashy photographs, but they were all fairly watchable. I think Beverly Hills Nannies also raises some important questions about childcare, wealth and personal integrity. I hope ABC Family greenlights Season 2 and what’s her face with the twins makes it too.
Pssst … If I were scripting Season 2 here’s what I’d do:
stage an affair between an employer and employee (Averill and Greek Geek)
lose superfluous characters you know who they are
make Lancione and Valdez shack up (lesbians sell)
let someone rich go bankrupt and have to start nannying (Margolis)
book a bigger celeb and make them look stupid (John Travolta)