Saturday Funny: Good-night Nanny Cam

NOVEMBER 28, 2012


In the great green-certified room
There was a smartphone
And a silver spoon
And a picture of—
A high-contrast, brain-stimulating black-and-white moon
And there was a musical concert by Baby Mozart
And high window guards
And French flash cards
And a fireplace safety gate
And toys without phthalate
And a sterilizer and bottle brush and bowl full of organic mush
And a bilingual nanny who was whispering “hush”
Goodnight room
Goodnight recycled baby wipes with no perfume
Goodnight high-contrast black-and-white moon
Goodnight baby monitor
And the nanny-cam
Goodnight French flash cards
Bonne nuit petit canard
Goodnight non-slip socks
And goodnight sustainable-wood blocks
Goodnight friends with unique, unusual names
And goodnight brain-development games
Goodnight digital archive of baby’s first years
And goodnight Doctors Karp, Leach, Ferber, and Sears
Goodnight wipes warmer and yoga mat, HEPA filter and sun hat,
Sunscreen, sunglasses, sleep sack, outlet cap, sleep coach, G &T coach, star charts, consumer reports,
Vitamin D, anything with Omega-3, French au pair, filtered air and—
Goodnight alpha parents everywhere.
Illustration by Kris Mukai.