Craigslist Ad: exceptional nanny just looking for a job?

Dear Prospective Employer:

Before you ask:
I am an experienced, smart, legal, gifted caregiver although I only speak English I am willing to learn Mandarin Chinese because it will help your child be even more successful than you are. I would prefer a decent salary but when I meet you in your penthouse if all you can afford is $12 an hour I will take it. I am agency screened and come with a contract but DON’T be put off! I’m okay with being treated like an undocumented worker or a human trafficking victim. I do have 4 references and you can waste their time grilling them over the phone about any boyfriends or whether I live in a bad neighborhood. I am willing to travel and can be held hostage through-out the summer somewhere isolated with 5 angry children while you run along the beach or go shopping. Or if you can’t afford to retain me like any other full-time employer you can just let me go for 3 months knowing full well I will come straight back in September when school starts.I prefer to go home at night at the time we arranged and agreed upon but if you decide at the last second to have that drink with your BFF I’m totally cool with missing my last bus. I have work experience with special needs and can overlook the fact that your kids clearly have issues and that you should be paying someone specialized to deal with the problem – but would rather not. I love dogs and while I don’t have dog-walking experience I’m sure I can walk the dog 3 times a day and pick up its poop. When a baby who has been crying all day eventually goes down to nap I’m happy to replace your housekeeper and clean your entire apartment. I will be good at my job but not good enough that the baby won’t cry when you leave to get your hair done.

I will do my best to make sure the kids love you more than me even as I tuck them up in bed at night. I promise never to say ‘no’ and to indenture myself for all perpetuity to your family because you’re right in thinking I have no family friends or social life outside of your amazing position. Last but not least, know that when you bend my ear about trivial garbage, I am listening because honestly it’s hard being you. I can’t wait to meet you and please feel free to run late, I have nowhere else to be.

Your Perfect Nanny